Sorry

You ever get that feeling that you could have done something different? I have that feeling right now. I know she has to be fed up with me, but I can't help but to try to talk to her. I don't know why. I just want to talk. It makes me more mad that she doesn't even try to talk to me. I wish I could stop talking about this, but I simply cannot. I'm not even saying anything significant. I just wish I would have tried harder to keep what we had.

Remember more than you'd like to forget

I'm feeling kinda good about where I stand at this place in time. Believe me, things have been shitty, but they are looking up. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day. That was a bad idea. It kinda made me debate whether or not I wanted to forget about all that had happened with me and her. I asked myself, "Would I want to forget?"
No, I wouldn't. I grew so much as a person. I look back, and we were both douchebags to each other at times, but for the most part, I was happy. I guess like my title says, I remember more than I'd like to forget. I remember all of the good times, more so than any bad spot, and I think that is why this is so hard. I'm slowly overcoming, just waiting on school so I can get back on my game.

As for now

So what a past couple of days. I've gotten to hang out with so many people. I am still hurt, more than you will ever know. These things help pass the day. Friends, work, more friends, more work. It makes healing a little bit better. It doesn't help that I have dreams, and I'm not talking about bad ones. I'm talking about dreams where everything is perfect, dreams where humans can do nothing but love. I've been having these dreams night after night. It still isn't out of my head. Every song, every picture, every thought takes me back to that one place where I gave it everything I had. The only thing that is changing is that I'm becoming less attached to these thoughts. I'm starting to take them with a grain of salt. I guess this is good. She has no intention of changing, so I guess I have to, again.
As for now, I'm looking up. I'm looking to find something new. Something that is going to totally shatter every notion that I have about life. Not a person, but maybe a routine, or activity. I need to get out of this shitty/vegetable/stoned state. It's not me. Everybody has this downtime, right? So she says...

Song for the Dumped, Ben Folds Five

1,2,3,4
So you wanted
to take a break
slow it down some and
have some space
well fuck you too

Give me my money back
give me my money back
you bitch
I want my money back
And don't forget
And don't forget
to give me back my black T-shirt

I wish I hadn't bought you dinner
right before you
dumped me on your front porch

Give me my money back
give me my money back
you bitch
I want my money back
And don't forget
And don't forget
to give me back my black T-shirt
hey, hey

So you wanted
to take a break
slow it down some and
have some space

Give me my money back
give me my money back
you bitch
I want my money back
And don't forget

Talk it over.

Everything you told me was complete bullshit. You know exactly how you feel, so fucking say it. You don't give a shit. Your way of letting me down easy is just so you don't feel bad. I'm not fucking dumb. I'm on the borderline of depression and all you have to say is "sorry." Sorry doesn't fix a fucking thing.

FREEWRITE

I always wanted to do this free writing thing. Here goes, a steady stream of conscious thought until i decide to stop. 'Nuff said.

What a day. Work was good. Really long, but good, and had quite a few laughs. Wonder what tomorrow will be like. Sure hope it doesn't rain. That would not be good. Parents return from their two week hiatus tomorrow. I have been steadily cleaning all night. Had to get away for a while. I could do this and listen to KOL all day. They always know what mood I'm in. I'm tired of cheap bastard ass customers. Don't go around the tractor! Come to me so you can stiff me after i clean your clubs. UGH. The dog is smelling my foot now. It kinda tickles. haha. hehe. This guy is singing about being soft. Probably because this girl isn't enough. Taco Hell sure was good tonite. Is it correct to spell Tonite like that, or is it "Tonight?" Who knows, I surely don't. I don't know too much of anything these days. I do know that I am freewriting. Not anymore. Kinda tired of it already. Done.

One wish

I wish parents weren't allowed to teach their kids any type of religion, until an age where they are able to fully evaluate all options and possibilities.

Bullshit, Bullshit. and more Bullshit

I love my job, I really do. Maybe too much. The guys out there are the best, they really are some of the most genuinely nice people that I have ever met, (minus some of the older ones aka Fussy Britches). The only thing that makes it suck right now is that I'm not getting enough hours. Not nearly enough. I woke up this morning to be at work at six and when i get there, they send me home at around nine. BULLSHIT. I really have nothing else to do. I feel like such a fucking waste right now. I don't have money to do shit. I am constantly laying around the house. I wish somebody would give me something to do. It doesn't even have to be for money. I kinda sound like a desperate hooker. haha. oh well. I'm still a grove boy for life. Just give me some more hours. goddamn.

So True

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."
-Abraham Lincoln on Religion

Revelry

Revelry according to Online Dictionary: "Boisterous Merrymaking"

"Revelry" by Kings of Leon:

What a night for a dance,
You know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones
And the sweet taste of kerosene

I get lost in the night
So high I don't want to come down
To face the loss
Of the good thing
That I had found

Woo hoo hoooo
Woo hoo hoooo

In the dark of the night
I can hear you callin my name
With the hardest of hearts,
I still feel full of pain

So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us
Right in the ground

See the time we shared it
Was precious to me
But all the while
I was dreamin of revelry

I wanna run baby run
Like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind at my back
I don't ever even bat an eye

Just know it was you all along
Who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me
Were the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it
Was precious to me
All the while
I was dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry

And I told myself boy away you go
It rained so hard that it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me

In the back of the woods
In the dark of night
The Palest of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete
Dreamin of revelry

First Blog

It wasn't until I realized how many unspoken thoughts I had that I came across the thought of having a blog. Facebook is just too out there for me, and I wanted people to read my thoughts, because maybe, they just might have wanted to. I've gone through some major changes in my life in the past year, and they have been rough. First, let me start with religion. My religion is doing good. My religion is treating peopple nicely with all of my heart's capacity. My religion is not worrying about something that I don't even know is real. These ideals were hard for me to come by because I have been brought up in a strong Christian household for all of my life. I still haven't told my parents all of my thoughts on religion, out of fear that they will be dissappointed in how they raised me. I never want them to think that. In fact, I think thery have done a wonderful job in raising my sister and me, as we have been given almost anything we have ever wanted. To sum these thoughts up, I end up going to church, just to plese my parents. I feel like such a hypocrite, but if it makes them happy, then so be it.
The next change has just recently occured. I have just recently got out of a relationship with a girl whom I loved with all of my heart. This is my main purpose for creating a blog. I have all of these things in my chest about this subject that I NEED AN OUTLET to put them out on, because I am too much of a chicken shit to say them to her face. At the beginning of our relationship, I lost a great deal of friends on the account of they simply did not like her. I saw something different, I saw something that made me happy, I saw something that made me want more and more. Even though I hated to do it, I told my friends that I would still pursue this reltionship with this girl because I wanted to, and if they were my true friends, they would understand. Most of them didn't. I cared, but I shrugged it off because I had this girl that made me happier than ever before. It was my first true love. We did everything together, and I mean everything. The only thing where we were different, was the category of who we hung out with. She liked to go out, I liked to just chill. I NEVER HELD HER BACK FROM ANYTHING. I gave her all of the room she ever could have wanted. I gave her everything, and all she had to do in return was say that she loved me. I had even saved up $650 for a weekend trip to New Orleans this summer, just as I told her I would, but I guess she forgot about that. I was always more open about my love for her, as she was more quiet. The thing that would piss me off the most is when I reached for her hand, she would not hold mine, as it was "high schoolish." FUCK THAT. We ran into our first break up about a year into it. It hurt more than anything, because it came out of nowhere. But we patched things up, we said some things that needed to be said, and we worked it out. Things were good all the way to the summer. Then we didn't see each other for a week, and I got the text that said, "Wee need to talk about some stuff." My heart instantly sank. I went into the bathroom at work and threw up. I knew what was coming. What hurt the most was when I texted back and asked, "You still love me, right?" and she said, "Yes Dallas." I thought for the slightest second that things just might be okay. They weren't. I then proceeded to drive to her hous eto be broken up with. Her main reason was "I don't deserve you." WHAT THE FUCK? I gave you everything, and enjoyed doing so, as long as you still loved me, which brought me to this thought, "SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE. It hurt so bad. What hurt the most is that she covered it up by trying to make it look like she was looking out for my interests, rather than telleing me she was unhappy, and saying that she did not love me anymore. I always tried to make her feel comfortable with sharing feelings with me. ALWAYS. It fucking burns to know that I put that much into one person and they go and throw it away like it was nothing.
Now, a couple of weeks after, it still hurts. I try to say I'm over it, but I'm not. I see pictures of her with all of her friends, so happy, and I think, HOW CAN YOU FEEL AS IF EVERYTHING IS SO PEACHY KEEN AGAIN? And then I realize, it's not so hard to part ways with something that you didn't really care for. I guess what all this rambling amounts to is that I just don't understand. I don't understand how you can be so good to a person and then they throw it out the fucking window like it is a piece of fucking trash. I don't understand how they think it is ok to hide how they really felt. I don't understand how they say they want to be a part of their life still, but they make no effort to do so. The phone works both fucking ways. What she did to me was completely fucked up. I will never forget that, and it will be the reason for my trust issues in future realtionships.
These two very enormous experiences have made me bitter, towards certain people, and it's gonna take me a while to get back to normal.