First Blog

It wasn't until I realized how many unspoken thoughts I had that I came across the thought of having a blog. Facebook is just too out there for me, and I wanted people to read my thoughts, because maybe, they just might have wanted to. I've gone through some major changes in my life in the past year, and they have been rough. First, let me start with religion. My religion is doing good. My religion is treating peopple nicely with all of my heart's capacity. My religion is not worrying about something that I don't even know is real. These ideals were hard for me to come by because I have been brought up in a strong Christian household for all of my life. I still haven't told my parents all of my thoughts on religion, out of fear that they will be dissappointed in how they raised me. I never want them to think that. In fact, I think thery have done a wonderful job in raising my sister and me, as we have been given almost anything we have ever wanted. To sum these thoughts up, I end up going to church, just to plese my parents. I feel like such a hypocrite, but if it makes them happy, then so be it.
The next change has just recently occured. I have just recently got out of a relationship with a girl whom I loved with all of my heart. This is my main purpose for creating a blog. I have all of these things in my chest about this subject that I NEED AN OUTLET to put them out on, because I am too much of a chicken shit to say them to her face. At the beginning of our relationship, I lost a great deal of friends on the account of they simply did not like her. I saw something different, I saw something that made me happy, I saw something that made me want more and more. Even though I hated to do it, I told my friends that I would still pursue this reltionship with this girl because I wanted to, and if they were my true friends, they would understand. Most of them didn't. I cared, but I shrugged it off because I had this girl that made me happier than ever before. It was my first true love. We did everything together, and I mean everything. The only thing where we were different, was the category of who we hung out with. She liked to go out, I liked to just chill. I NEVER HELD HER BACK FROM ANYTHING. I gave her all of the room she ever could have wanted. I gave her everything, and all she had to do in return was say that she loved me. I had even saved up $650 for a weekend trip to New Orleans this summer, just as I told her I would, but I guess she forgot about that. I was always more open about my love for her, as she was more quiet. The thing that would piss me off the most is when I reached for her hand, she would not hold mine, as it was "high schoolish." FUCK THAT. We ran into our first break up about a year into it. It hurt more than anything, because it came out of nowhere. But we patched things up, we said some things that needed to be said, and we worked it out. Things were good all the way to the summer. Then we didn't see each other for a week, and I got the text that said, "Wee need to talk about some stuff." My heart instantly sank. I went into the bathroom at work and threw up. I knew what was coming. What hurt the most was when I texted back and asked, "You still love me, right?" and she said, "Yes Dallas." I thought for the slightest second that things just might be okay. They weren't. I then proceeded to drive to her hous eto be broken up with. Her main reason was "I don't deserve you." WHAT THE FUCK? I gave you everything, and enjoyed doing so, as long as you still loved me, which brought me to this thought, "SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE. It hurt so bad. What hurt the most is that she covered it up by trying to make it look like she was looking out for my interests, rather than telleing me she was unhappy, and saying that she did not love me anymore. I always tried to make her feel comfortable with sharing feelings with me. ALWAYS. It fucking burns to know that I put that much into one person and they go and throw it away like it was nothing.
Now, a couple of weeks after, it still hurts. I try to say I'm over it, but I'm not. I see pictures of her with all of her friends, so happy, and I think, HOW CAN YOU FEEL AS IF EVERYTHING IS SO PEACHY KEEN AGAIN? And then I realize, it's not so hard to part ways with something that you didn't really care for. I guess what all this rambling amounts to is that I just don't understand. I don't understand how you can be so good to a person and then they throw it out the fucking window like it is a piece of fucking trash. I don't understand how they think it is ok to hide how they really felt. I don't understand how they say they want to be a part of their life still, but they make no effort to do so. The phone works both fucking ways. What she did to me was completely fucked up. I will never forget that, and it will be the reason for my trust issues in future realtionships.
These two very enormous experiences have made me bitter, towards certain people, and it's gonna take me a while to get back to normal.